Does commitment mean that I cannot change my mind? Does it mean I have to sacrifice myself? Do I have to compromise what I believe in and put others first, neglecting my needs? What is the difference between commitment and obligation, and how can I free myself by committing?

If you ask yourself these questions, check how confident you feel in yourself. How clear are you about your values and passions? What are your intentions for your life? Do you trust yourself? Do you think you have integrated your shadows? 

What Commitment Is And Isn’t

What does all this have to do with commitment? Let’s have a look at the dictionary definition of commitment first.

According to Macmillan dictionary, commitment can be defined as:

1. A promise to do something

2. A strong belief that something is good and you should support it

3. Enthusiasm for something and determination to work hard at it

4. A duty or responsibility that you have accepted

Usually, a commitment is not a mere promise. It involves a significant, meaningful action - for you or the other person. When you commit, you show you care. You might go beyond what is comfortable and easy. You might even take some risks. You “honour” and “fulfil” commitments - even the language indicates that commitment is somehow noble. 

Commitment is rooted in our beliefs about the world and what is right and wrong. If we are clear about it, then committing is spontaneous and natural. The gain is bigger than the cost. For example, if we genuinely care about the environment, we are committed to respect and protect it. Saving water in the shower doesn’t feel like a burden. It is not even a choice - it comes as evident and natural.

Let’s look at definition number three. If commitment means enthusiasm, how can it be limiting? If it is a determination, then it comes from your deep conviction and will, making it a choice and an expression of self, not its limitation. 

When we think about commitments in relationships, this is how we would like them to be. We want the enthusiasm and determination that often come with passion. To the contrary to an obligation, which is usually externally imposed.

Use Your Resistance To Learn

We often limit the understanding of “commitment” to “accepting a duty or responsibility”, which, for different reasons, for most people sounds limiting and against their freedom. It nearly automatically triggers defence reactions and a fear of loss.

If you find yourself in such a scenario, use it as an opportunity. Give yourself time and attention to notice and recognise what it is exactly that you are afraid to lose. And then, think about HOW this can happen. How do you neglect and abandon yourself when confronted with other people’s needs? Do you let yourself voice your own needs and expectations? Or do you assume you can only complete your duty by sacrificing yourself? What makes you commit in the first place? What do you gain or what do you avoid by doing - or not doing - it?

Look closely at your beliefs. The above mentioned are only a few possible areas to work on if we want to find flexibility and freedom of commitment. Be honest with yourself.

Commitment Is A Process

The confusion around commitment also comes from an assumption that we commit to achieve a particular goal. But the truth is, commitment is not a one-time thing. It’s a process. It’s not a simple promise about a behaviour or an objective. It’s the dedication and the earnest devotion to achieving an end - while the accent is placed on the action, not the end. 

Commitment means consciously asking yourself a question and continuously reflecting: how have I contributed to my promise? How have I grown while honouring it? Have I invested my time in alignment with my values and commitments to myself?

“I cannot promise you anything”, “Let’s wait and see how things go”, “I will tell you later how I feel”... All these statements are valid and honest. And yet, if you say them over and over again, what you might be dealing with is fear of commitment rather than respect to your organic needs. 

I know people who justify lack of commitment by falsely interpreted “flow” and “intuition”. Following your intuition and respecting your body doesn’t have to mean flakiness and unreliability. On the contrary, genuine commitment is reflected by the flow of experience, the process of living and the quality of your life. If you commit only to the outcome and neglect or ignore the process, then you most likely find yourself disappointed and maybe even suffering. You sabotaged yourself. And you refuse to see your part in it. 

Commitment to a relationship manifests in everyday attention and choices of thoughts, words and actions. It is a decision we make every time we engage with each other, and when we decide to withdraw, avoid or ignore. But first comes the commitment to yourself. Do you commit to being honest, taking care of yourself, living your life authentically? Or do you neglect, avoid and ignore yourself on a daily basis? How do you make sure you honour your commitment every day?

Commit And Act Now

The suffering and resistance come from an illusion: we take the word commitment, and we project some future on it. The liberation emerges when we investigate it in the now. What does the commitment mean to me NOW? How do I express it? How do I act on it? The commitment acts as a compass—a sense of direction.

If we are truly committed, we are passionate. If we are obligated, we might feel resentful. 

It’s the confusion between commitment treated as external coercion instead of an internal decision that weighs heavily on the individual. Feeling purposeful and engaged in our actions, which is the essence of commitment - isn’t that what we long for?

Are you worried that if you jump both feet in what is in front of you, you’ll miss a better opportunity that is just behind the corner? Well, you might be right. This is why a steadfast, liberating commitment is not a consequence of a decision based on fear and avoidance but instead on a willingness to create and live according to your values. And this means letting go of other opportunities - which comes easier when we know how to be present and honest with ourselves; when we know that life means choices and we can contain ourselves in discomfort. When we are mature.

Commit And Enjoy It

If you find yourself struggling with commitments, start small. Celebrate and honour the mundane. Plant a flower and watch it grow. Care for it not because you have to but because you care for nature, beauty and life - if it is true to you.

As I mentioned before, commitment often requires effort. But the effort doesn’t equal force and exhaustion. On the contrary - stepping out of your comfort zone and taking up actions that are out of the ordinary might result in receiving an even greater reward.

When you look at the commitment in action as a personal growth path and a challenge to your solidified ego concepts, then you might start enjoying it. Enjoy being responsible for your life and making decisions now. And if you find it too challenging to do it on your own - consider therapy. Start with the commitment to knowing yourself.

Commitment is a beautiful thing - committing to anything indicates we commit to life - to live it fully and consciously.

And what do you think? Do you agree, disagree or feel challenged? Share your thoughts; I am excited to know your opinion! Let’s inspire each other and connect with curiosity and respect.