How Do I Know What I Need?

To recognise our needs and have them fulfilled is fundamental for our health and well-being, and if we fail to do that, not only do we struggle to live meaningful lives, but also we suffer from psychological and emotional hardships that might seem impossible to overcome.

Unmet needs, but most importantly – unrecognised needs that, therefore, cannot be addressed – are one of the principal reasons people suffer from psychological distress, relationship problems, or self-esteem crises. 

Layers of Needs

You might have heard of Abraham Maslow’s “pyramid of needs”, which encompasses physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualisation needs. Each layer represents a crucial aspect of our well-being, from the basic necessities of survival to the yearning for self-fulfillment and self-realisation.

And yet, as much as Maslow’s theory is useful and adequate, it gives us only a broad framework – the details everyone must work out on their own. Each individual is unique, with distinct emotional, physical, and psychological needs. From the depths of our souls to the heights of our aspirations, understanding how to identify and satisfy these needs is an art that can truly transform our lives. There is no theoretical manual about how to meet your needs, it is a moment-to-moment practice and it requires self-awareness and curiosity. 

Your Body Knows

Surprisingly, very often we are so focused on finding our “soul’s true purpose” that we overlook if and how we meet our most fundamental needs. Seldom do we acknowledge how much we disregard our biological needs, sacrificing them on the altar of productivity or social expectations. And when we disconnect from our most fundamental needs, we constantly send signals to ourselves that what our body needs doesn’t matter. And this leads to the disconnection that prevents us from relying on ourselves, we cannot recognise and trust our intuition to make other, more complex choices. We start to depend on social constructs and projections of “how life should be lived”. We lose our humanity to abstract concepts and consumerism-led behaviours. We look outside for what we’ve suppressed within. 

To understand ourselves, we have to tune in to our bodies and notice, acknowledge, and respond to the sensations that signal our needs. We take our bodies for granted and much too often overlook and minimise the obvious need to nourish ourselves with healthy food when we’re hungry or to move our bodies when feeling achy and stiff. Another example of one of the needs most neglected in our society is the need to rest. We developed myriads of ways to keep ourselves going, doing, and performing regardless of how our bodies feel about that. The social expectation of productivity often prevails over honouring such a “boring” need as rest when being tired. 

To Be Confused And Conflicted Is To Be Human

However, things get really tricky when we look at the needs that involve other people, the needs related to our sense of belonging, forming part of something greater, being invited and wanted in our social and work circles, respected in our autonomy, valued for our uniqueness. If we feel excluded, unloved or unwanted, rejected, oppressed, subordinated or marginalised, we will suffer. And I say it gets tricky because we all have these needs, and the need to feel loved is often prioritised even over our biological needs. We want to be loved so much that we might start to manipulate other people into “making them love us”. Or take revenge on those who hurt us and turn the pain of rejection into a forceful pursuit for power and dominance (imagining that this way we won’t get hurt again). Human beings are complex beings and our minds are teeming with conflicting motivations, needs, emotions, and beliefs which can be difficult to understand or regulate.

Cultivating Emotional Awareness

Emotional awareness, which is also strongly rooted in our body awareness, serves us as another way to recognise our needs. See emotions as signposts that guide us toward understanding and meeting our needs. Each emotion we experience carries a message, a profound insight into what we require in that moment. By cultivating emotional awareness, we can decode these messages and respond in a way that nourishes our well-being. Mindfulness practices and emotional intelligence exercises empower us to become attuned to our emotions, unraveling the intricacies of our needs.

Embracing Self-Care as a Sacred Ritual

Self-care is not a luxury; it is a sacred ritual that allows us to prioritise our needs. In the whirlwind of life's demands, it is crucial to carve out time for self-nourishment. Engaging in activities that bring us joy, practicing self-compassion, and setting healthy boundaries – and not necessarily in that order – are essential to self-care. By honouring our needs and nurturing ourselves, we replenish our inner resources, enabling us to better meet the needs of others.

Listening to Your True Self

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we often neglect to listen to the subtle cues that indicate our unmet needs that belong to what some might call our “true” selves. Connecting with our inner selves is essential to deciphering these messages. Engaging in introspective practices, such as meditation, journaling, or deep contemplation, can help us unveil the hidden desires and needs that lie dormant within us. 

Nurturing Authentic Relationships

Human connection is a vital ingredient in our quest to meet our needs. We are social beings, and, as I mentioned earlier, our need for love, belonging, and connection resonates deep within us. Nurturing authentic relationships requires vulnerability, empathy, and active listening. By fostering genuine connections, we create an environment where our needs are acknowledged, respected, and reciprocated, fostering a sense of belonging and emotional fulfillment.

Harnessing the Power of Passion and Purpose

Passion and purpose fuel our souls, propelling us forward on our journey toward self-actualisation. Discovering our passions and aligning them with a sense of purpose infuses our lives with meaning and fulfillment. Engaging in activities that ignite our passions and contribute to our sense of purpose creates harmony between our needs and our actions, leading to a deep sense of satisfaction.

Self Regulation and Self Compassion

If you feel that you’re confused with what your true needs are or how to meet them, if you feel like despite knowing what doesn’t work in your life you still make “the same mistake over and over again”, it’s time to invite self-compassion. We can regulate the intensity of our emotions and learn creative ways of meeting our needs only when we approach ourselves with kindness and care rather than contempt and expectations. 

Seeking Professional Guidance

And last but not least, in the pursuit of recognizing and meeting our needs, seeking professional guidance can be immensely beneficial. Psychologists, therapists, and coaches possess the knowledge and expertise to navigate the complexities of human needs. They can provide valuable insights, practical tools, and a supportive space for personal growth and development. Seeking professional assistance is an act of self-empowerment, allowing us to embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery.

The quest for self-fulfillment is an ongoing process. By embracing the depths of our emotional landscape, fostering authentic connections, practicing self-care, and pursuing our passions, we unlock the door to a life rich in meaning and contentment. Moment-by-moment.