Say No To Show Love. How To Set Healthy Boundaries, Part I

I said, yes. And it hurt. I hurt. Both of us. How could I know that if I agreed to something it would bring so much pain? I only wanted you to be happy. I didn’t want to cause problems. I thought I was bigger than this petty argument. 

Does it sound familiar? Or maybe this is true for you: you don’t ask for help because you don’t want to burden others. You don’t come too close because you might get rejected. You don’t share your feelings and opinions, and you don’t have many friends so that you can conserve your energy. These are all symptoms of unhealthy boundaries.

Maybe your boundaries are too rigid or too porous, and you suffer in consequence, even though you do everything to avoid pain. Is there a way to recognize that? Is it possible to set boundaries and be loved and respected? Luckily for us - the answer is yes.

A Map of Self

So what are boundaries in the first place? Boundaries are our personal limits; they set a space where we feel, act and think who we truly are. They help us navigate how we relate to others, and they signal what is ok and not ok for us. Whether we avoid intimacy or jump into relationships quickly, whether we cannot say “no” to others or we keep people at a distance, whether we accept when someone says “no” to us or decide to solve other people’s problems for them - these are all strategies and ways we set our boundaries. Sometimes we might feel detached and isolated, which might indicate that our boundaries are rigid; or we might feel overwhelmed and abused - which might mean our boundaries are porous and easy to penetrate by others.

Before we start condemning ourselves for not respecting our own boundaries or get angry at others for doing that, we need to remember that our boundaries might change throughout our lifetime. Even within days or weeks! They might differ depending on our culture and upbringing. What is healthy in one community might be rigid in another. Keeping that in mind helps us stay free from prejudice and, most importantly, engage with others respectfully and openly. Our boundaries within our family are different than those at the workplace. We might have healthy boundaries around our material possessions but struggle with porous boundaries for romantic relationships.

Types of Boundaries

Physical boundaries limit your personal space. When is it ok that someone touches you? What kind of touch is acceptable? When and with whom? Is it ok that your aunt kisses you on the lips when saying hello? Or is it ok that your father shakes hands with you? These are the types of questions you ask yourself when you want to recognise your physical boundaries.

Emotional boundaries define and protect your feelings. How much and how soon do you share your feelings with others? Do you allow other people to tell how you should or shouldn’t feel? 

Sexual boundaries show what you expect, what you’re comfortable with, what you need, and what you like and don’t like when it comes to your sexuality. Examples of boundaries violation in that respect include unwanted touch, lascivious looks or sexual comments.

Material boundaries refer to money and possessions. What will you share and with whom? The most apparent violation of such a boundary is stealing. But there might be more subtle ways - a friend borrowing your clothes without asking or pressuring you to lend them something you do not wish to.

Intellectual boundaries determine your opinions, ideas and thoughts and your right to hold and express them.

Spiritual boundaries guide us in our spiritual life. What are our beliefs? How do we put those beliefs into practice? What is moral for us? What is right, and what is wrong?

Boundaries define yourself. Who you are, manifests in your interests, needs, feelings, desires, emotions. How you relate to yourself and others and how you allow other people to relate to you: this is what makes you - you. That is why boundaries do not distance you from other people. On the contrary, clear and healthy boundaries help you to relate in a loving and respectful way. To understand yourself and your boundaries, start with exploring how your boundaries were created. Ask yourself how your childhood environment responded to your interests, needs, feelings, desires, and emotions. And don’t worry if you feel like your boundaries are not balanced. We can heal the way we define and express our boundaries and thus heal how we create relationships in our lives. Meditation, self-reflection, journaling, personal development or psychotherapy are useful tools that expand our self-awareness.

How to recognise rigid, porous and healthy boundaries and how to own the responsibility to create and protect our boundaries? I will explore these questions in future posts. Watch this space. And be kind to yourself.