In this article, I tell a story of the importance of friendship, vulnerability and new beginnings – at any point in life.

It is easier to start new things and meet new people when we are kids. After all, growing up is all about learning, trying, and discovering. Often, though, somewhere on the way to becoming an adult, we give up openness, curiosity and willingness to experiment and start believing we need to be a well-defined person leading a predictable life. Our self-image, habits, and beliefs may stand in the way of experimenting with novelty or making a new friend. Let me tell you how I managed to dare to start something new and make a new friend after 40.

“A Stranger is a Friend You Haven’t Met Yet”

Do you know that sensation of gentle tingling on your skin, warmth in your chest and softness on your face when you meet someone for the first time and have a feeling you can be friends? Maybe the thought hasn’t manifested itself in your mind yet but the crucial ingredients are there: you notice the similarities between you and that person and – at the same time – you’re intrigued by the differences, there’s a sense of familiarity but also curiosity, you are genuinely interested in them and feel their attention and open presence towards yourself.

This is how I felt when I first met Bett Bollhoefer on the rooftop restaurant in a riad in Marrakech, Morocco. I don’t remember our first conversation but I do remember the feeling of joy, reciprocity and fascination with each other. We were both the same age, we were brought together by our common interest – yoga, and with every conversation, we discovered more and more things we shared. We also welcomed our differences with acceptance and curiosity, a rare experience in the world of divisions and separations.

Over breakfast, in a horse cart, on a coach going to the desert, on a hike in Atlas mountains – everywhere we went, we chatted endlessly to realise we both had a corporate past and decided to shift to a health and well-being world driven by the same purpose – to heal ourselves and to make our work more meaningful and our lives balanced. We talked about our professional lives, relationships, philosophical concepts and challenges we faced. After nine days, we knew we were friends.

And then we parted – Bett took a long flight back to Oakland, California, and I came back to Ibiza. We both wanted to consciously foster our newly formed friendship and we felt we could put into service our experience with navigating the challenges of the modern world and help people who had similar questions and dilemmas to us.

“How About a Podcast?”

In June 2022, I said yes to Bett’s idea about making a podcast together. I was excited, thrilled and scared. Will I dare to expose myself, will I allow myself to feel vulnerable? Will anybody be interested in what we have to say? I’ve never made a podcast, I don’t like being recorded and, at the same time, I made helping people my mission in life and this seemed like a new way to fulfil that mission. My head was spinning, questions were twirling: Will I show up for myself and others? Will I use this opportunity to help people become more empowered and authentic? And how? Or am I just an impostor?

I knew that one of the obstacles to overcome would be my tendency to perfectionism. Do I have the right software? Who will design the logo? How will we tackle the time differences (Ibiza is nine hours ahead of Oakland) and our commitments? The questions were endless.

I managed to liberate myself from the oppression of perfectionism by connecting more closely to my values and the purpose behind our project. I grew to forgive myself for the errors and failings – how I repeat myself, my “umming and aahing” and unfinished sentences, my wandering eyes – and I learnt to accept the imperfections of our ‘newly born child’ – the pixels on the video and the inconsistencies in the length of the episodes. And the work on self-forgiveness, self-kindness and self-compassion is constant.

Confronting my expectations and my disillusions has been a great opportunity to realistically assess where I am, what I need to learn and what and how I can improve. I remember what I do it for and I remind myself that it is the authenticity that heals, not the paralysis of an unrealistically perfect image. What a relief!

Trust the Process

In each episode of our podcast, which we called simply “Bett&Daga”, we share our personal stories, experiences and tools, as well as scientific views and answers to the most common and relevant questions we and our clients face every day, such as: How to deal with overwhelm? How to journal and why? Why is curiosity important? What is grounding and how to do it? We talk about types of yoga – the domain of Bett, and TRE® – which is my practice.

Deciding to do the podcast with Bett was easier when I reminded myself why I do what I do: why I am a therapist and what is my purpose. Because I do it out of curiosity and passion for being human, having complicated human experiences and sharing what I learnt from my mistakes, struggles and pain. We want to help other people empower themselves and connect to their authenticity, become more resilient and find their ways to thrive – and this is worth dealing with my own insecurities and fears.

But there was one more reason we decided to start recording our conversations, as important as our mission, and that is: to have fun. And we do! I remembered how, as a child, I wanted to be a radio presenter and I realised our project is like a dream come true. I love Bett and how much I learn from her, I cherish our connection and how we support each other, and I am grateful for our commitment to each other and our shared intentions. All this creates feelings of safety, reliability and purpose that ground me and excite me at the same time.

Committing to what truly matters to me requires being vulnerable and making the podcast is a perfect example of that. I expose myself to criticism, judgment and comparison. I might not be accurate, forget about something or mispronounce someone’s name. I might not look the best and I might repeat myself or forget an important part of what I’m trying to explain. And it is ok. I choose to open myself to the experience that brings meaning into my life and I accept that this makes me vulnerable. And it also makes me strong.

We don’t pretend to be better than others, enlightened in any way or know all the right answers. I believe, though, that what I learnt and realised does not belong only to me. I feel responsible to share my experience and my knowledge so that, perhaps, a change in perspective will help someone avoid the mistakes I made and, simply, find comfort in knowing that whatever challenges they face, they are not alone and it is possible to overcome them.

Being human means being imperfect. And thriving means embracing my humanity, celebrating my imperfection, taking the next step and learning from every failure. That is possibly the biggest gain for me so far. I am grateful for every mistake I make as it reminds me that I grow and stay true to myself and how I want to live.

If you are interested in seeing real people facing real problems and sharing first-hand tips on how to thrive in the modern world, visit our Bett&Daga YouTube channel. It is not perfect but it is authentic.