Don’t Live In the Present Moment and Be Happy

Stay present, live in the now, don’t look back - follow these claims, and you’ll enter eternal bliss. Countless self-help manuals, spiritual guides and new age commandments repeat the exact words, the holy grail of happiness. Is it really that simple, and what does it mean? And what if I told you that it’s NOT TRUE?

Does living in the now mean we don’t need to think about the future; we don’t need to plan, and we can forget about the past? Is paying attention only to what is in front of us the only way to be truly whole, human and happy? No. Then what is the fuss about?

I can imagine that some of you might roll your eyes, maybe protest, feel irritated by my words or condemn me altogether for what you just read. Great religious traditions, gurus, sages and modern spiritual teachers say over and over again that we should be living in the now. And they are right. And yet… 

It’s All About The Details

Ok, ok, I’m teasing you a little bit. Because I, too, believe in “the power of now”. However, I often observe popular misconceptions of the idea, misinterpretations, simplifications of it, and reductions to comfortable avoidance strategies. In this article, I want to show what can happen when the idea of living in the present moment goes wrong or when we take shortcuts and reduce it to convenient justifications rather than an approach to life. And whether it’s possible to overdo it.

To Be With What Is

Let’s say you’re meeting a friend at a coffee shop. You choose a table and take your seats. You haven’t seen each other for a while, so there is a lot to catch up about. If you talk with your friend about the things that happened in the past, does it mean you are not living in the present moment? Well, it depends. If both of you are engaged in the conversation, if you share honestly, listen attentively, respect your space, if you focused on each other - then yes. After all, catching up with friends is not really about the content of the update but rather about fostering the relationship, emotional exchange and genuine connection of acceptance, care and appreciation. 

However, if you’re distracted by thinking of what you want to say next, what you need to do after, or are peeking at your mobile screen to see the new WhatsApp notifications - then this means you’re drifting away from the presence. You’re driven not by the motivation to stay connected to the person in front of you - which is embracing the present moment - but rather by some worries, fantasies and longings that hunt you and possess your mind.

And then again, admitting having those worries and addressing them - even in the conversation with your friend - would mean you chose to be with what is in the present moment. It happens to all of us that we find ourselves distracted by the content of our busy mind in the most unexpected moments. So, even better and more practical is to notice the thoughts and consciously redirect your attention back to your friend. That would mean a mastery level of presence - of what is outside and inside of you. 

It’s Ok To Be Distracted

Our brains have an extraordinary ability to automate certain activities we learn, skip particular stimuli, switch off, and exclude some elements from our perception. If we constantly stay present with everything around us and within us, we might get overstimulated and overwhelmed. Our brains would just fry. Not only that, we would seldom achieve what we want or even need. 

Moreover, sometimes distraction and breaks are necessary to aid our nervous system process strong emotions or find inspiration and stay creative. That is why we tend to be absent in the first place - because it takes the burden of strong emotions away and helps us to process. It’s ok to cut us some slack and get distracted as long as it doesn’t mean denial and repression.

The problems start when we are more absent than present, when we miss the obvious issue in front of us due to our daydreaming, when we create scenarios in our head that replace a balanced perception of reality. 

When after a long day of work, chores, bureaucracy, errands, stimulation and activity, we decide to switch off and watch a movie - it’s ok. It’s also fine that during the movie, we don’t pay attention to how our body feels, to how the candle burns or how our partner pats their knee when laughing. We can give ourselves a break. We need to allow our mind to wander. Creativity resides in idleness.

Mindfulness Also Needs Balance

Like everything in life, also the present moment awareness and mindfulness need balance. We don’t want to overcharge our nervous system by processing every single stimulus that enters our awareness. Also, we don’t want to become overly self-critical for not being present with our emotions all the time - and this happens a lot to our perfectionist, demanding egos! We also don’t want to be too lenient and self-indulgent by excusing our addiction to Netflix with “my mind needs to process”. 

When we are genuinely present, we know when we react and when we respond. We notice which thoughts are observations and which are opinions. We can distinguish how we filter our perception and when we give meaning to facts. We are aware of whether our thoughts signal a possible threat or danger that we need to consider or whether they are just self-attacking dysfunctional accusations. This awareness becomes our nature when we put effortless attention into being present. 

When Living In The Moment Goes Wrong

I remember waiting for a friend one summer afternoon - we had this flexible appointment, a kind of “Let’s meet in the afternoon, I’ll let you know when I finish with my things”. When the afternoon hours turned into evening hours, he called me, “I still want to meet, but I just felt this strong calling to go to the beach and play the drums”. Those of you who live in Ibiza might know that sunset drumming on Ibiza beaches is kind of a ritual or even an institution. How can I argue with a “strong calling to play the drums”? Isn’t that the “living in the moment” principle put into practice?

“Connected with myself and with what my body longs for, I followed the organic calling. Staying in the present, I let things unfold” - one may presume. Well, ladies and gentlemen, although my friend did stay in his moment, he applied a distorted idea of it, using a spiritual principle to justify his lack of commitment and responsibility. Because living in the present moment doesn’t mean changing your mind on a whim, not making promises, not planning, not setting goals, and disregarding how your actions affect other people. It also doesn’t mean not talking about the past or analysing mistakes. This would be - respectively - being disloyal, unreliable, disconnected and in denial.

So What Living In The Present Moment Is And Is NOT?

Living in the present moment does not mean following every instinct and impulse or urge. It doesn’t mean not caring about the future and the consequences of our actions. It means living the reality and not fiction and being neutral, non-judgmental and curious. Being open and accepting - not restricting your awareness only to pleasant experiences. It means noticing when and how we add meaning to things and having the ability to choose what that meaning is. It means having the freedom to see facts as facts, things as things, and then deciding to attach a view or interpretation that best serve our authentic wellbeing. Living in the now can be a superpower.

But it will be condemned to failure if it lacks two things: awareness and acceptance. Let’s practise that. And be human.

If you find this article controversial, you disagree or feel challenged - please share your thoughts; I am excited to know your opinion! And if you agree - share your comments, too! Let’s inspire each other and connect with curiosity and respect.