Say No To Show Love. How To Set Healthy Boundaries, Part II
What do you think about yourself, most of the time? Do you feel good about yourself only when other people praise you? Do you feel like you know who you are? Do you feel like there are situations where you cannot be yourself? Do you think you own your life, or do you feel others make decisions for you? If you often feel disempowered and powerless, you might want to check how you set your boundaries.
If you read my previous post, you found out what boundaries are and what basic types of boundaries we have. However, these are just helpful concepts; the reality is more complicated. We can have healthy boundaries around our money but sometimes with certain people or certain situations, they become too porous. Or we can have healthy physical boundaries and feel comfortable expressing them most of the time, yet it might happen we find ourselves in a situation where we allow too much and keep our discomfort to ourselves.
It’s important to remember that we shouldn’t blame ourselves for “having unhealthy boundaries”. It is perfectly normal and entirely human to be confused or feeling different emotions at a time - this is part of human experience. Nonetheless, not blaming ourselves doesn’t mean not taking responsibility. Setting healthy boundaries is not a one-time act. Boundaries are not walls nor trenches. In every moment, in every situation we communicate who we are - we express our identity - we set our boundaries with our body language, words, actions and inactions. In every moment we can do it again, better, healthier. And the more awareness and attention we put to how we create our boundaries, the more natural and spontaneous we become.
However useful it is to grasp the concept of boundaries intellectually, only through experience and self-observation can we establish whether we set them healthily for us, what causes struggles, and how we can take better care of ourselves. Please treat the descriptions and examples below as guidelines and see whether they resonate with you in any way.
This is not ok
Let’s say you are at a party. I know, sounds like a far cry from reality at the moment. Yet, I do believe it will happen again. So, let’s go back to the party. You just arrived and are going to serve yourself the welcome punch. As you’re reaching for a glass, someone you don’t know approaches and says hello. All perfectly normal - it’s a party, you meet people! The stranger - let’s call him Bob - seems joyful and easy-going. He starts telling you about how he knows the host. Then he tells you about the date he brought to the party. He’s standing close, and you can feel his breath on your face. He’s mocking his (absent) date, laughing loudly at his own jokes and patting you on your shoulder. He’s asking how your love life is at the moment and without waiting for an answer he’s commenting that “such a hottie like you surely changes partners every night”. You feel like running away. You spot a friend in a distance so you start moving towards them and Bob follows you, grabbing your arm and spreading visions of how you will rock this bore. And maybe it is ok for you. Maybe you’re even enjoying his company, perhaps you’re finding him amusing.
Or maybe not. Choose which scenario is closer to how you would react.
I don’t want to hurt his feelings...
You start feeling discomfort within seconds after Bob arrives - your shoulders are a little tense, your breath is a little shallow. You feel your personal space has been invaded, and even when you move away, Bob comes closer and closer. You feel embarrassed to hear intimate details about someone you don’t know, and yet Bob overshares and, frankly, bores you with his stories. You recoil as Bob touches your arm and he doesn’t notice - just squeezes you even stronger. You feel a flutter of anger and disgust in your stomach when he calls you a “hottie”. You feel a little panicked as he joins you when you’re walking towards your friend. And you just can’t do anything. Maybe you try to move or look away, or find an excuse to get away from him - but none of this is working. You don’t know what to say because you don’t want to hurt his feelings. You’re stuck with Bob.
I don’t want to be around this “loser”
You start feeling discomfort in your body the moment Bob opens his mouth. You know the type. Invasive, intrusive, boring and troubling. You’re so fed up with guys like him, and you won’t let anybody spoil the party for you. You tell Bob to bugger off and find another victim to bother. You throw in a joke so that the people around can hear you’re cool and make it clear - you have nothing in common with Bob, that embarrassing fellow. You walk away towards your friend. Bob-free for the evening.
No means no
You notice the discomfort in your body when Bob starts talking at you without letting you even say your name. He keeps coming closer even when you move away. You tell Bob that you feel uncomfortable when he’s coming too close and ask to stop crowding you. You make it clear that you are not interested in hearing him talking bad about someone, even if you don’t know them. You’re firm, yet your voice is calm. And if Bob doesn’t respect you (he might even call you boring, oversensitive, joke about you or minimize your feelings) - you let him know you feel disrespected and walk away.
If the first scenario is the closest to your experience, then maybe you already guessed - your boundaries are porous. It’s not uncommon that you end up in situations where you feel uncomfortable and, eventually, emotionally exhausted. The issue is, you might not even notice the sensations from your body in that moment. In this example, Bob violates at least your:
personal space (standing too close, unwanted patting and touch)
values (gossiping about other people behind their back)
emotional boundaries (telling you what you should and will do)
sexual boundaries (unwanted sexual comments).
And although you had the best intentions - wanted to be friendly and polite - the whole situation made you feel trapped and maybe even affected your self-respect.
If the second scenario is more probable for you, then maybe your boundaries are slightly too rigid. You don’t let a stranger approach you, and you distance yourself without a chance to establish any rapport. To protect yourself, you might end up hurting or alienating people from you and being left utterly alone.
The last scenario pictures a situation where you try to set your boundaries in the healthiest possible way. You know what is ok and not ok for you, and you voice it out. You don’t distance yourself from the other person right away; you manage to stay calm and centred. To show what is not acceptable for you, you don’t need to become aggressive or yell. You are also ok with the possibility that the other person won’t like what you have to say, or maybe won’t even like you.
And what about Bob?
Let’s look at the situation from Bob’s perspective. What is happening for him? There may be plenty of reasons why he acts this way. It is possible that he struggles setting boundaries, but it is also possible that this kind of behaviour was completely acceptable when he was growing up. We don’t know that, which is why the best strategy is to be clear about our boundaries and leave assumptions and labels aside. If we don’t communicate - like in the first scenario - Bob stays convinced that everything is ok. He will act the same way in many more situations, not connecting, but unaware of why the genuine connection doesn’t happen, maybe blaming others. Or, if someone attacks him for how he is (like in scenario two), he might feel hurt and become defensive, but won’t change his behaviour, either. But if he’s approached clearly and respectfully, he might reflect on himself. He then receives feedback which he might consider, and in turn - he might improve his relations with other people. In the end, it is not fair to leave anyone in the darkness of what is ok and not ok for us.
When our emotional boundaries are unclear
There are plenty of situations where it is evident that your boundaries are violated, like in the example above. When someone touches you, and you don’t want that. When someone is looking through your emails. When someone barges into your room without knocking. But the most challenging to recognize is a more subtle and seemingly innocent violation of our emotional boundaries - by ourselves or others.
See if any of these sound familiar:
You wake up in a good mood but then see that your partner is sad. You instantly feel grim, too, and now are trying to make everything to make them happy. You feel restless and anxious until your partner cheers up.
You want to spend an evening alone reading a book when a friend calls you and says he’s bored and wants to come over. He’s already on his way, picking up pizza. You were really looking forward to the book and staying undisturbed, but you don’t want to let the friend down; besides, he’s already on the way! He would probably get cross and disappointed if you say no. So you say “Of course” instead.
Your boss asked you to work on the weekend, so even though you don’t feel like it, you do it from home. But your family is around and wouldn’t leave you alone. You would do so much more if you didn’t have to answer their questions continually. They bring you tea, but it only distracts you. You have important things to do, and you won’t make it because your family needs constant attention. You’re angry at your boss for having asked you to work. You’re angry at your family for not being quiet. It’s all unfair, and people are not helping.
All the above might be symptoms of unhealthy boundaries and inability to be strong with your own identity. Codependency. People-pleasing. Blaming others and not taking responsibility for our problems. There are many labels and judgments around such behaviours, and the truth is, the labels don’t help. Such recognition, however, aids to identify how we can change. Not being clear about who you are and what is ok or not ok for you leads to prolonged suffering, and very often we misinterpret where the suffering comes from. We look for causes outside of ourselves and hurt ourselves and others as a result.
What prevents us from setting healthy boundaries?
Why is it then that - if setting boundaries is good for us - we so often fail to do that? Most of the time, we are scared. We are scared that saying no will mean that we get rejected or even abandoned. We might fear confrontation of any type. Saying “no” might evoke feeling guilty. Maybe we were never shown or taught how to set healthy boundaries, and we feel lost. Or perhaps we are in a situation where our safety is at stake, and we think any objection would be dangerous for our health. If that is the case, then we need to act with caution.
If someone is physically dangerous or threatens you, setting explicit boundaries may not be safe. In this situation, you might find it helpful to work with a counsellor, therapist or advocate to create a safety plan. How to set boundaries may be a part of this.
The topic of boundaries is as broad as the question of identity. Infinite. And as our identities evolve throughout our lives, the same applies to our limits. They differ depending on our mood, the situation, the people we relate to. When we stay connected to our body, our sensations and intuition, recognising what is genuinely ok and not ok becomes easier, and setting healthy boundaries becomes the way we are.
Connections are what we all crave the most. Meaningful, nourishing relationships. And these are only possible when we know who we are, what we want, what we desire, what we feel and think. Then we connect from a place of authenticity, from love. Be brave. Be compassionate. Say “no” to show love.
